I love Star Wars, which honestly is a given. I love watching Star Wars, I love writing about Star Wars, I love finding random pieces of Star Wars merchandise and allowing them to slowly take over my living space to the point where I may actually be in a Galaxy Far, Far Away. I love running thought experiments, analyzing themes, picking apart little threads to see if I can unravel something new.
I also love trying to come up with ideas on how I could beat certain characters in a fight.
You see, I have not just one nemesis within the Galaxy Far, Far Away, I have several. (Nemeses, which I had to look up the correct plural form of because my brain wanted to just say nemesises, which autocorrect continued to inform me was wrong.) These are characters that just rile up my hate fire. None of these characters are bad characters, in fact, it is because they are Good Characters who I Morally and sometimes Irrationally disagree with that makes me want to punt them.
Today I’m going to share with Project Stardust how I would win imaginary fights with these fictional characters. Years of careful and very serious thought has clearly gone into these plans. They are top secret and may even contain secrets of the Force. Yet today, April 1st, seemed the best day to bring them out into the Light.
I love David Filoni. I love Sam Witwer. But I would punch Maul in the face and end up breaking my hand on his head spikes. I LOATHE HIM ENTIRELY. But, you see, Maul himself is incredibly hard to beat for the same reason that I loathe him.
The plot armor, it’s thick. It’s tough. And it’s part of a cycle of revenge and despair with thematic purposes. Do you know how hard it is to beat thematic purposes? Really, really hard. Cut Maul in half? Thematic purposes gives spider legs. Collapse a temple on him? Helicopter sabers. Being captured in the fall of the Republic in the name of the Jedi? GUESS WHAT: ORDER 66 Y’ALL!
For Maul, the key to beating him has been and always will be Obi-Wan Kenobi. Now eventually, Obi-Wan Kenobi will beat Maul for real and for always and not just fake beating him by cutting him in half and throwing him down a conveniently placed shaft. For the purpose of this plan, I am not looking to kill Maul, just win my fight with him.
Step One: Purchase a standee of Obi-Wan
Step Two: Assemble the standee of Obi-Wan
Step Three: Throw the standee of Obi-Wan while shouting “Hello There!” in my best Obi-Wan impression, against a high powered magnet.
This plan is perfect for two reasons. One, it is always hilarious when Maul gets stuck to things, and no one can convince me otherwise. He’ll escape anyway. And probably figure out a way to have metal legs that are somehow impervious to magnets. But with the twin attack of the standee and the outstanding Obi-Wan impersonation, Maul will continue to blame Obi-Wan for the minor magnetic inconvenience, just like he does with every other inconvenience.
Boy do I hate Kylo. Here’s a guy that should have gone to space therapy instead of pretty much everything he decided to do with his life. In fact I could probably win this entire fight by just forcing Kylo into therapy.
But then I wouldn’t have the satisfaction of fighting him, and let’s be honest, that’s the entire premise of this article.
For Kylo, my strategy is what I call “The Zuko Approach”. For those who are unfamiliar with Avatar: The Last Airbender, Prince Zuko is obsessed with his honor. It’s a whole thing. In fact, it’s so much of a whole thing there are comparisons between Kylo and Zuko. What’s Kylo’s version of Zuko’s honor? Legacy.
My plan to beat Kylo is easy. Simply point behind him and shout “Wait, is that some nobody upholding the Skywalker legacy WITHOUT YOU?” and then shoot him with Chewie’s bowcaster when he turns around to try to recruit them. There are no flaws. This plan is perfect, and I get to shoot a bowcaster. Win/Win/Win.
The old green gremlin has gotten away with too much FOR TOO LONG! Yoda’s crimes are legion, and yet he is still upheld as the bastion of all knowledge despite being like, “Ugh Luke, stop talking to me about needing to save your father, who I refused to provide a healthy emotional upbringing, I’m going to just die now” in Return of the Jedi. Granted, I do appreciate Yoda’s troll game, plus I can never truly hate Frank Oz. Did I cry when Yoda showed up in The Last Jedi? You bet the Millennium Falcon I did. Do I also spend all my Clone Wars rewatches raging at him? Again,yes.
So, I am going to fight Yoda.
Honestly the best idea I’ve come up with is to just get wide eyed and say “Me? I couldn’t possibly be a dark side user!” in shock and dismay and then hit him with a stick when he turned around. According to the Jedi Book of Hermit, he will have to seclude himself again. Double points if he’s already on Dagoba because then he’d have to go into double seclusion.
Palpy’s got that spooky laugh down, as well as lurking around in dark cloaks. I have to respect the aesthetic. But he’s got to go. Unfortunately, defeating Palpatine in anger would just make him stronger, because he thrives off trying my patience. Just fighting Palpatine isn’t going to do anything. No, in order to truly defeat Palpy, you have to knock down his mystique, his menace, his plans.
Put bleach in the wash cycle for all his spooky cloaks. Try and get anything done when even on the holo they can see how spooky your cloaks are now, Sidious. THAT’S RIGHT YOU CAN’T! I will have truly won against him, for you see, the Dark Side is nothing without its aesthetic.
And there you have it. I am sure you are struck in awe at my tactical brilliance. To come up with plans that are so absent of flaws, I amaze even myself. There are others within the galaxy that I would like to destroy, of course. Pong Krell, Azmorigan, Jabba, honestly, there are a ton. But one has to set priorities and these are where mine are right now. Maybe one day these others will move up or down the list. For now, use this knowledge wisely.
Editor’s Note: This is part of our April Fool’s satire & silly articles that are meant to explore other sides of fandom life and theories from a more humours viewpoint.